You're Not a Fraud

I think we have all felt like a fraud before. Maybe you received an award you didn’t think you deserved. Maybe you got labeled a name you didn’t think reigned true. Or maybe you earned something in the past that now you don’t think coincides with your current character. 

One week in my Anatomy lab, I listened to a dialogue between two of my classmates about this topic. The boy sitting next to me made a comment to the girl sitting across from him about her having a prestigious scholarship. 

Instead of expressing gratitude for the award, she expressed disgust. She told him that her academic performance was embarrassing considering the scholarship she had. He tried to convince her. Certainly the scholarship held some sort of merit that was still relevant to her today. Was the scholarship purely based on academics? What about leadership, integrity, etc.? Even if her grades weren’t up to par, she still had the scholarship, so she had to be doing something right. 

That particular week I was in her group for our experiment. I asked her if she knew what a particular graph in our table meant. She said no and that she didn’t even read it. She followed up by saying that she gave herself a panic attack today by looking at the upcoming information we would have to know in the coming week. She said that she needed to start studying now because she wouldn't be studying over Thanksgiving break. 

Later in the lab, she went on to talk about how different she was now as compared to who she was back in high school. She said that her high school self deserved the accolades she received, but that the person she was now did not. 

The guy sitting next me tried to reassure her once more. He encouraged her to adopt a different perspective. Sure, back then she had higher grades- but what does she have now? Perhaps she has higher emotional intelligence, more friends, more life experience, and more responsibilities? 

He told her that though she had changed, she is still the same girl as she was in high school. She still held the same worth as she did back then. 

Essentially, what this guy had tried to express to her was that she was not a fraud. Her imposter syndrome was understandable, but it wasn’t the truth. Maybe she wasn’t as academically minded right now because she had other things to focus on. Was her shift in focus necessary or conducive to her goals? I can’t answer that, but I do know that she could get the grades she desired just as she did in high school through some changes in her habits. 

I have experienced this same sense of shame at times in my life. But, the Lord has taught me the truth regarding this. When I was battling my eating disorder in fall 2022, my grades were not the best. Was that because I wasn’t smart? Not at all. It was because I was not focused. Almost every moment I was thinking about how to burn off calories, how many steps I was able to get it, how I would eat as little as possible at my next meal, and how I would compensate if my plans somehow got interrupted. 

Fast forward to spring semester 2023, and I received my first 4.0 over the semester. At this point, I was working with a dietitian to nurse my body back to health and was committed to the process, leaving me with much more brain space to devote to academics. 

You see, the change in my grades didn’t happen because I suddenly got smarter. It’s also important to not that during both semesters (the semester I had lower grades and the semester I had a 4.0), my worth didn’t change. 

The same is true with other aspects of life. In some seasons, your weight, relationship status, grades, friendships, etc. may fluctuate. I have seen this to be true in my own life. Some seasons, for example finals season, may require more focus on academics and cause you to spend less time with friends. Other seasons may require you to spend more time on your career and thus leave less time for focus on relationships. 

The beautiful thing is that God can partner with you in these changing seasons. You are not supposed to navigate through them alone. 

When determining how I should spend my time and what I should invest myself into, I often consider what God has asked me to complete in this season and if what I am doing is in alignment with this. 

Sometimes I get it wrong and sometimes I get it right, and most seasons have room for some sort of balance so as not to create an idol of things. 

The only thing constant in life is change. For us to try and prevent change is futile.

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like change. But I am also learning that the more I refuse to die to myself by trying to prevent the inevitable, the more miserable I become.

The journey to where we are today is filled with imperfection. 

We're not frauds just because we've made a couple mistakes.

Even if our journey were different, brokenness would have met us on any other path we took because this world is fractured and broken in every way.

The devil will always find a way to shame us and tell us how badly we messed up. 

But redemption is meant to be a part of our story. 

God is in the business of blessing the broken road. 

That’s the message of the Gospel. 

Our paths were never meant to be perfect. Instead, our journeys are simply leading our hearts home to a perfect place- Heaven. 

-Bailee Chavez <3