What My Eating Disorder Taught Me

There was a time mid recovery where signs of health were returning. This scared me, to be honest. I thought that maybe I should stop with the recovery process. Maybe I was “too healed.” So I set up an appointment with the campus RD. At the beginning of our appointment, she told me she had all my records laid out before her- that is, my past health screenings and anthropometric measurements.

At this appointment, I couldn’t hide my past. The physical manifestations of my unhealthy mindset were on display before her.

So I told her my concerns and asked for her advice. She was a professional in the field, and it would be unwise to disagree with her or not take her advice. (I had done this before, and I found that doing what was right in my own eyes instead of taking wise counsel never worked.)

What she told me surprised me. She told me to continue with the recovery process I was on, not changing anything.

Part of me couldn’t believe it. I enjoyed recovery, but I thought I didn't need to move forward in it. I thought it was too good to be true.

Things were really looking up.

I was able to focus on God more.

I was able to hear from Him.

I was able to write again.

My grades improved.

I started podcasting again.

Essentially, I was getting really good at moving past what my eating disorder said and doing exactly what I needed to do.

But maybe these things were just for a time? Would I one day have to make room for disorder again?

Oh, the lies my eating disorder has told me. Lies from satan himself.

I can’t help but think of how my appointment parallels our conversations with God.

When we we approach Him in prayer, He has all our records laid out in front of Him- all our past, all our failures, and all our fears.

And when He speaks, we can’t argue with Him. He’s a professional in His field.

When we want to turn back to what we know and provide all the rationale we can find to support our case, He calls us higher.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light

1 Peter 2:9-10

Relapse to Redemption

Throughout my ED journey, I have approached my sister, mom, aunt, personal trainer, physician, and even dietitian with all the evidence I could muster to rationalize my eating disorder.

Yet, they never agreed with me.

In the same way, you may be approaching God saying

Lord, look at my relationship history- I’ll never get married.

Lord, look at my grades, there’s no point in trying on my finals. I’m doomed.

Lord, look at how the semester went, I must carry this shame with me into the summer.

Lord, look at my heart, I could never be used.

But you know how He answers?

Child, look to me.

He’s never going to agree with those lies looming in your head.

Maybe you’ve sided with the lies more times than you can count. Maybe you always go back to toxic behaviors and ways of thinking because it feels like your only option.

But it’s not.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV

While the Lord doesn’t condemn your relapse, He wants to see you redeemed.

He provides a way out! You don't have to go back. You can walk forward with Him, who makes all things new & who brings beauty from ashes.

Rest in knowing that God took into consideration everything about you when He laid out the course of your life. Your flaws, your failures, your triggers, your fears, your sin- all of it. And He declares that none of these things have no power over His plan for you.

As much as I sometimes want to hide this part of my story under the rug, I feel it would be a disservice to God not to share what He’s taught me through it.

His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.

Jeremiah 20:9 (NIV)

Because the truth is, what God has taught me through this has implications far deeper than eating.

For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.

Luke 12:23 (NIV)

This is true about most trials in life. They teach us things about heaven, God, and eternity if we’ll let them.

I don’t know what the mountain in your way currently is. Maybe finals, FOMO, or friendships are permeating your mind.

Or maybe it’s something you wish was as seemingly trivial as these things.

Whatever it is, I want to encourage you to have faith.

You likely can’t escape your responsibilities or the people you have to work with, but if all you have is a glimmer of belief that God is somehow working this all for good, the Lord can work with that.

"For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."

Matthew 17:20-21

I know you think it’s your job to micromanage everything- even those things you have already brought to the Lord in prayer. I often do too.

But God won’t forget about what you prayed for if you choose to finally let go.

Our prayers, whether big or small, whether cries or whispers, whether desperate or hopeful, are held in His hands.

Friends, at the end of the day, we all want something perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

It's the type of love we expect to get from others & the type of performance we expect of ourselves.

Yet, there's only one place we can find it- and it’s not either one of these places.

This week, accept God's love. Accept what He says about you. Accept His good plans for your life.

And when disbelief tries to steal your joy, remind yourself that God’s best is never too good to be true.

With love,

bailee