Messes that Matter, Chaos that Counts

This week's post is inspired it being TAMU's Mental Health & Suicide Awareness Week + National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.

*Disclaimer- I'm not an expert on the topic of mental illness or any of the topics I talk about here. I am just sharing my current perspectives and inclinations from the Lord!

Peace = Posture

This week I found myself on the back staircase of a chapel on campus. My head was hurting from a morning of overthinking. But, it was a beautiful day outside, and my soul needed to read the Word- even if my mind said I didn’t.

So, despite my swirling, overactive mind, I showed up.

I tried to quiet my mind by observing the beautiful campus and nature around me.

It wasn’t working. The harder I tried to focus and calm myself, the worse it got. My attempts to think only good things were short-circuited and left me exhausted.

I could feel His presence, but I wondered if He could feel mine.

I decided I was just going to start reading, so I opened my Bible and devotional book. This day’s topic was on just what I needed- peace.

This devo on peace highlighted that

Peace isn’t a state of mind. It’s actually a posture. It’s a position of nearness with Jesus.

(Delight Ephesians Study Chapter 4)

This statement was the balm my soul needed. Of course, I know I shouldn’t be stressed. But, unfortunately, my finite human mind stresses trying not to stress sometimes.

In trying to have a “perfect” mind, I find myself more anxious than before.

Luckily, peace isn’t a perfect mind. Peace is proximity to God. And since this is the case, peace is always within reach.

But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For Jesus himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility.

Ephesians 2:13

Jesus created peace by setting rules aside, so maybe we block peace by holding onto them. We think peace comes after we perfect ourselves when, actually, peace is simply the acceptance of the perfect person. 

The concept was further internalized as the week went on. Later in the week, I came across the following post on Instagram. It was the message I needed.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

Psalm 139:2

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Psalm 139:8

God knows we have emotions, and He knows we can't control our every thought and worry. He knows that sometimes we’ll camp out in the depths.

He’s not overwhelmed by any of it. He actually comes with us.

Going back to peace being a posture, I find rest in the fact that when I can’t seem to get ahold of my thoughts and emotions, I can choose to posture myself towards God. I can go against the grain of our mind and pursue the Lord.

I have full control over my actions, so regardless of my imperfections, I can still be committed to spreading the Gospel. And because of this I rejoice!

But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.

Philippians 1:18

Fed Up With the Flesh

I have battled with anxiety, OCD, and overwhelm many times throughout my life. And at times, I have felt like there is no way out.

But God has reminded me that I have the option to deny myself before I overwhelm myself. It’s actually what I’m called to do.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?’”

Matthew 16:24–26 (NKJV)

Happy Endings

In His kindness, maybe God leads us to the end of ourselves because of who we’ll find at this end- Him.

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

Revelation 22:13

I think about Jesus and what happened when He reached the end of his humanness. The end of Him in the flesh was the best thing that has ever happened because it resulted in Him leaving us His spirit.

Maybe the same is true for us.

Maybe being so fed up with our flesh is the best thing that could ever happen to us because it gives us no other options but to deny ourselves and follow Jesus. It forces us to realize that we can’t make ourselves holy before God. Only He is strong enough to do that.

So our goal shouldn’t be to have perfect thoughts and perfect emotions, but to instead allow the One who is already perfect invade our heart and mind. We must let Him become greater while we become less. Then, we bask in the fact that “it’s no longer I who lives but Christ in me.”

We get to separate ourselves from our faulty emotions and allow Him to forge our identity.

Maybe the very best thing can come from what initially seemed like the very worst thing.

Almost Anorexic

I think the devil hates endings.

Not too long ago, I at an appointment with a physician who heard my mom, sister, and I describe what I was going through. She listened and then quickly told me to call my condition what it was- anorexia.

She then gave me three paths to healing- counseling, medication, or an inpatient recovery center. I was shocked that these were my only options. I was presented with three different paths that all led to the same place- healing.

But my eating disorder (satan in disguise) didn't like any of them. And frankly, when listening to him, I had no intention of getting better. I was being asked if I wanted to be healed but I wasn't wanting to take the opportunity.

Since then, I took time to really listen to the Lord and am out of that mindset. Unsurprisingly, Satan has forged attacks in other ways.

One day in class, I sat there wondering if there was an end in sight. Would I ever be able to stop worrying?

I heard God asking me if I wanted to be healed. Whereas I had been trying to micromanage my mind like it was clockwork, God just wanted me to rest. The perfection I was chasing was just energy wasted.

I could give up the fight because He already won it. But my surrender couldn’t be light and superficial. It had to be a profound and complete surrender to God. Mental gymnastics don’t work. I didn’t need to reason my way out of the quicksand I felt I was sinking in. I needed to surrender the problem to God. And I might I have to do this every day.

So what then does healing look like? Is it the absence of struggle? Is it the absence of temptation? The absence of fear and doubt? No. I believe healing is when what used to control you no longer informs you decisions.

It’s when you feel the fear and do what God calls you to anyway. It’s a time in which Christ’s power overpowers that which used to overpower you. I don’t know what your situation is, but I do know that God is above it. I know that OCD, anxiety, depression, etc. are very real. But the lies that feed them are the devil. The lies that say you’re stuck, broken, and bound to be miserable forever. These things aren't true. God has a GOOD future for you.

That future may not be absent of tribulation or of healing in the exact way you’d like, but that’s because Christianity is not a quick cure to life's ailments, including those related to mental health. Instead, our faith gives us an anchor for our souls, assurance we are never alone, and hope to carry on.

The devil doesn't want you to know who you really are- he only wants you to know who you’ve BEEN. So he’ll loop your life back around and around. But you have to LEAN in to everything that has been sung over you, LEAN in to what He has stirred in your heart, LEAN in to the Presence of God and find out what HE is speaking over you.

Lisa Bevere

It would be easy to label myself as someone with an eating disorder, with OCD, with anxiety, with all these things and then sit in it and allow it to consume me- to think of myself as someone who HAS to be defined by these things. But I know the truth. I don't have to settle for perfectionistic, obsessive, and compulsive when love, joy, and peace are my inheritance. I don’t classify myself as someone who had anorexia because I know anorexia wasn't the problem. It wasn't food I was fighting. Because now that I am healed from the food component, other wars have waged between my two ears. But now I can see more clearly. And I see that the devil disguises himself in many ways. Once you detect one of his costumes, he’ll find another one.

If I allow my identity to be formed by whatever struggle I am facing at the moment, I’ll always be double minded. Life away from heaven will never be free of conflict and pain. The struggle is always shifting, so I choose to root myself in the King- whose name is above every other name- regardless of what I’m going through.

Things like medicine, psychiatry, community support, and education can all be so helpful in managing mental illness. But we also cannot neglect the spiritual aspect of things! God wants to walk through any battle, physical or mental, with us.

Here are some of my favorite eye-opening quotes from a book I've read.

Breaking Free of OCD: My Battle With Mental Pain and How God Rescued Me by Jeff Wells

• “If you rely on therapy, you will get what therapy can do. If you rely on talking, you will get what talking can do. If you rely on medicine, you will get what medicine can do. And God might use these things. But when you rely on prayer, you get what God can do."

• “I would not want anyone to go through the pain I have experienced, But I also would not want to miss out on the things that God has done in my life through the pain."

• “I do not know why it has to be so, but all through the Bible we see it: God uses suffering to shape his people.”

• “The school of suffering is a hard school. But for the Christ-follower, the school benefits us, for our Lord will redeem the pain.”

I know that struggling mentally can pull you away from God. Maybe you feel like scripture isn't applicable to your situation. Maybe you can't see a way out. Maybe you don’t understand how everyone else seems to be able to hear, see, talk to, and follow God with ease. But I promise He’s there. Sometimes our darkest moments lead to our deepest intimacy with Jesus and our biggest calling. What grows in the low points of our faith is not the same as what grows in the high points. In due time, redemption is coming.

Prayer :

Lord, when we find ourselves in the depths, will you renew our strength and soar high on wings like eagles? God, let this saving not be of our own accord so that we are not able to boast. May our rock bottom help us discover deeper dimensions of You and Your word. Let us rejoice in suffering- as it allows us to hunger and thirst for You in ways we otherwise wouldn’t. Although we may fear we’ll lose You in the midst of our pain, help us rest in the fact that You’ll never lose us. We know that you will make our messes matter and our chaos count for Your kingdom. Amen.

- bailee ❤️